Undignified Foods

There are just certain foods you can’t eat with dignity. They’re either incredibly messy or cause you to open your mouth in a non-dainty fashion. And you do not want your date to see your molars on the first date. (Or at least I don’t.) When I was single and dating, if it was a first date with someone brand new and we went out to a restaurant, there were just things that were off the menu. Essentially, if it could not be cut into small geometric shapes and handled easily with eating utensils, it was off the menu until I was safely at home and could break all the dating etiquette rules.

• Salad: this is at the top of my list for myriad reasons. The unpredictability of lettuce as you try to tame it in on the fork. The other ingredients that don’t stay on together as you get that prefect combo bite. The dripping of the dressing. The width you have to open your mouth to accommodate all this. It’s not pretty. So when on a first date, a salad is never recommended.
• Ribs (or any other bone-in meat): Even if you manage to cut most of the meat of the bone and into those geometrical shapes, there’s still always that stubborn piece that clings to bone. And I personally don’t like to waste food, so at some point, I’m going to be tempted to pick that bone up and gnaw the rest of that meat of (which sounds so sexualized but is really just greedy). But especially call ribs out because unlike other meat that can be gingerly cut if tender enough, ribs don't cooperate. At best, you'll get a long string of rib meat. You try to bite some off and the string falls apart but doesn't give easily against the grain. you're then given the choice of wrestling it with your mouth or shoving the whole thing in. Then there's the added messiness of sauce (I personally like mine dry rubbed with the option of dipping the meat in the sauce).
• Corn on the Cob: First, there’s the fact that you HAVE to pick this one up with your fingers. You can try to cut it off the cob, but that still involves handling it with your fingers at some point. Other than that, eating corn is a risk. First of all, there’s the propensity of corn to spurt. I’ve accidentally squirted someone in the eye with corn juice. Then, there’s the fact that corn on the cob tends to nest between your teeth at every discernable gap. Uncomfortable and unattractive.
• Maryland Crabs: Again, one of those foods that has a multitude of problems. First, you have to pick them, which is a mess in and of itself. I don’t know about you, but gorging out of the innards of an animal does not smack of romance to me. Secondly, the juice from a crab is more dangerous than that of corn-on-the-cob since it is often liberally laced with Old Bay. Imagine getting that in your eye! Finally, even after you’re done, the scent of the crab lingers with you. Yes, real crab eaters know that using lemon juice will eliminate the crab smell from your hand, but why even risk it. Save them as a social activity with friends and family.
• Long Pasta: This one is iffy since I do like to go Italian places. If I don’t feel like I want to avoid having pasta (usually the case if I order something like chicken parmesan), I’ll cut the pasta into small pieces, twist it on with a spoon and secure it with a small piece of meat and then take a bite. It sounds tedious, I know, but it saves a lot of mess.
• Spinach or broccoli: These two vegetables, more than any two, seem to lodge themselves on the front of your teeth in the most unattractive fashion, so whenever you want to flash that gorgeous smile at your date, you end up looking like you have the worst tooth decay EVER. And it’s always highly embarrassing when that date tells you—and even worse when he doesn’t.

So I know by now that you’re wondering what in the world did I EAT when I was on a date. I would choose a thick soup over salad. For an appetizer something small that you can fork and eat neatly (calamari for instance, but only the rings). For an entree, my go-to has always been a steak (and no, not the most expensive one on the menu) with a baked potato and green beans. For seafood restaurants, there’s always salmon, shrimp and crab CAKES (enjoy the flavor and avoid the mess). Rice is almost always safe because you can control the portion and it’s generally dry and doesn’t make a mess if you drop one or more grains. Although I have something against ordering most types of chicken at restaurants, I don’t mind it as a go-to if there are no other appealing options.

Now when I’m home or comfortable with the people I’m with, all rules of dignity and etiquette are tossed off the way women toss their bras and Spanx off when the get home (yes, fellas it is a thing).