Dear Fat,
It is with very little regret that I must call our long-standing acquaintance to an end. I will readily admit that we have been fast friends since childhood, when you would leave a few extra pounds of baby fat around for good measure. During my late teens, we became estranged, even though the specter of our relationship always hung in corners of my mind, causing me to join Bally’s and work out three to four hours a day.
In the late 90s, you started creeping back into my life—gradually at first, so that I didn’t recognize that we were reacquainted until you had insinuated yourself into deeper crevices. And our tumultuous relationship became even more so. I was older and though I knew more about how to keep you in check, but you became even clingier and it became harder to rid myself of you.
The new millennium came, and finally I was well on my way to getting rid of you through great eating habits and more time at the gym, even accomplishing things like learning to swim and completing my own personal triathlon work out with a morning marathon, an afternoon swim, and circuit workout.
Then you found a way to get under my skin and completely take over. And that was through my love life. Being wined and dined and making room for a dating life took away dietary discipline and gym time. Add to that a boost in another career area and you had me in your throws, where I have remained. I will freely admit that I did have fun doing all those things. As a result, you’ve become intimate with parts of me through marriage and childbirth. But there’s one problem:
I don’t like you.
Your list of faults is numerous: from the clothes I can no longer wear to the zapped energy from carrying the equivalent of a growing adolescent. Having you around makes me uncomfortable in my own skin, mostly because you’ve aided me in stretching it out.
So it is at this point that I must tell you that next year, I am revoking your lease and putting you out. I know realistically that our long-standing acquaintance will make it all the more difficult to say goodbye, but severing our relationship is the best thing I can do for myself.
Adieu
